Scary Movie Reviews C
:: Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero :: 2015 :: Kaare Andrews ::
A pretty low-grade horror movie, consisting of necrotizing fasciitis, Sean Astin (Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!), and a bunch of actors much better suited to porn, including a high-ranking medical doctor wearing a lab coat with a bikini underneath. If you take nothing else from this review, understand this: THIS IS NOT A GOOD MOVIE. I mean, to be fair, it’s a pretty novel approach to the zombie movie - they’re not zombies, they’re just infecting with an extremely aggressive kind of flesh eating bacteria that eats away at them until they die a vometously bloody death. But for some reason, no one ever really dies. It’s not funny, but it thinks it’s funny; it’s not cool, but it thinks it’s cool; this is the “bro” of horror movies. To cap it off, it’s also disgusting. Gross.
P.S. The other thing wrong with this movie is that it seems SOOOO LOOOONG. Avoid at all costs.
:: Coffee by Aesop Rock :: 2007 :: Ace Norton ::
Watch the Vimeo version, first of all, not the Youtube one. Much better quality. Anyway, so, this is a music video. Get over it, I’m trying something new. I really, really like Aesop Rock's music, and it just keeps getting better. He’s smart and funny, and totally and completely in touch with his dark side, which I always appreciate. This music video is him walking around a haunted house, while Earth’s last resistance group fights against hoards of undead and/or mythical monsters. It’s good fun, and a little eerie, too! The song also features John Darnielle, who is just a king among men. It’s only a few minutes long, so even if you don’t like hip hop, you’ll enjoy it!
:: Condemned :: 2015 :: Eli Morgan Gesner ::
Wow, was this a hunk of junk or what. It has Sean Penn’s daughter in it, and I figured hey, it’s her first movie, that’s a big name, maybe it’ll be good. Instead, it’s some just-graduate-from-Tish, faux-cerebral zombie flick that doesn’t have a lot of zombies. I could also do without the going-down-the-pipes cut scenes between what’s happening in each apartment. More than anything, this movie left me with a lot of questions: has the writer ever been to New York City? Why is there a gay dominatrix butcher in one apartment? Why don’t I ever see beautiful heroin, young addicts in the abandoned buildings in Philly? Why does this abandoned building look like luxury apartments? Lastly, why does it take SO long for the zombies to show up? Total pass, but I’ll tell you this - Katie and I had a ton of fun watching this and talking through it, wondering about how it came to be. If that’s your kind of thing, then I would actually recommend!
:: Creep :: 2014 :: Patrick Brice ::
It’s no surprise that I love Mark Duplass. I’ve watched all of The League. I own the Volcano, I’m Still Excited! albums on vinyl. Safety Not Guaranteed is a great movie. And man, he does creepy WELL. I watched it late at night with Katie and Meg, the SMCoA diehards, and this movie truly freaked us all out. It features some incredibly eerie imagery. And the best part is? It’s funny! It’s also funny. I mean, some of the movie is also a little cheesy, but I can’t hate any scary movie for that. Anyway, long story short: guys accepts internet ad job to film with another guy for a day, other guy is super weird and slowly unraveling, things gets really weird really fast. Only two people in the whole movie. Just awesome, watch it and enjoy. Peachfuzz!
:: Crimson Peak :: 2015 :: Guillermo del Toro ::
My spouse Katie and I were really excited to see this movie. In general, I like Guillermo del Toro’s scary movies a lot: they’re often a little cheesy, and not terribly scary, but they’re always beautiful. Pan’s Labyrinth, Cronos, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, they’re all really interesting, pretty movies. And Crimson Peak did not disappoint. Quickly: Lady meets a fella, moves with him to his creepy castle, it gets really ghost-y and who-dunnit-y. The story was intricate and eerie, and the atmosphere (a dilapidated castle built on a mountain of blood red clay) was gorgeous. Totally recommended.