Scary Movie Reviews H
:: The Hallow :: 2015 :: Corin Hardy ::
I was really excited to see this movie. When I heard of it, I wanted to see it. I looked all around, I had to find it playing. Then, yes - YES! - it was playing at the little independent movie theatre downtown, The Roxie, as part of their late night series. That’s cool, it starts at 11:30 on a Tuesday, I’ll totally go to that WAIT IT’S A WEEKDAY AND THE LAST TRAIN HOME IS AT MIDNIGHT NO. Ugh. Hate it. Whatever. My patience was justly rewarded. Instead, it showed up on Netflix the night our good friend Meg was coming over to stay. Meg, aside from Katie and I, is the only person who has come to every Scary Movie Club meeting we’ve held. So obviously she’d be here the weekend The Hallow comes to Netflix. Anyway. Here’s the story: Hubby and Wife move to the country with their baby. Townspeople freaked out because Hubby’s job is to go into the woods and mark trees to be cut down, which will anger the sprites and fairies of the forest. A+ for folklore, B for monsters. Totally recommended, lots of fun, weird cool effects, a little gross.
:: Hallow’s End :: 2003 :: Jon Keeyes ::
This movie was a thrift store special, a buck a DVD. The first three minutes of the movie are non-stop strobe light, yikes. Boy is the acting bad, and the dialogue is so weird. The kind of dialogue that a very amateur writer thinks sounds natural, but hasn’t had read out loud. Everyone’s Southern accents really come out the further the movie goes along. It’s kind of interesting to see a Southern horror movie, though: different perspectives on what’s scary (I mean, a hell house is SO southern), different portrayal of homosexuality, different idea of parties and leadership - feels militaristic. Anyway. A group of what I think are supposed to be college kids (frat kids?) run a Halloween House with bloody results. This movie is just SO SLOW. Halfway through the movie and only one person has died, and the movie is still entirely about some dude being a dick to some other dudes. A little fun because of how bad it is, but not fun enough. Pass.
Notable line: “The devil is real. He is. I met him, I knelt down and kissed his backside.”
:: Haunting of the Innocent :: 2014 :: Matt Hish ::
I learned when I was young not to be tricked by top billing by the movie The Curse of El Charro, which “starred” Danny Trejo. I loved Danny Trejo, but he didn’t star in the movie: he voiced a ghost for literally a couple of sentences. Just like Judd Nelson isn’t “in” this movie. He has a couple of lines in the first few minutes of the movie, and then we never see him again. Anyway. This is a fun movie to watch and make fun of while watching. It really stinks. It features a 10 year old played by an obviously not 10 year old who’s still drawing perspective-less, blotchy drawings, really weird CGI, and crows - which I actually liked. It’s a ghost-ish story based in Norse mythology. There’s a not-that-bad movie hidden deep, deep inside of this one. But it’s down too deep, and we can’t dive that far down yet without running out of oxygen. Now THAT’S scary. Pass.
:: Hobgoblins :: 1988 :: Rick Sloane ::
So here’s the deal: if you’re watching this movie alone, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version. If you’re watching this with friends, watch the original. This movie is so entertainingly bad that you’ll be howling together and making your own storyline jokes. So! The movie. A youngish dude and an older dude are running security at an old film studio. The young guy opens a vault door and releases some little furry hobgoblins out of captivity. The hobgoblins are reeeeeal Germlin-looking creatures, without any of the charm or advanced puppetry of Gremlins. Best scene in the movie? When the two guys have an extended rake and garden hoe fight scene. And then the van rocking and the NOISE it makes. Well, and every scene with a hobgoblin. Particularly the hobgoblin/teen dance party.
:: The Hollow :: 2015 :: Sheldon Wilson ::
Three sisters, after their parents have died, are on their way to stay with an aunt in a little island town, only to discover that there is a huge storm coming which is likely to cut off all communication with the outside world. Also, some monster called up by witches a hundred years ago is going to terrorize the inhabitants. Pretty substandard all around, and there were a few glaring issues: Where was the storm? WHERE WAS THE STORM!? Why was everyone on the island if they knew monsters were coming? Just go to the mainland and stay in a hotel for literally one day. I know there has to be suspension of disbelief with pretty much all horror movies, but this one was asking way too much of me. Do not watch.