Scary Movie Reviews T
:: Tales from the Crypt: Ritual :: 2002 :: Avi Nesher ::
Based on the 1943 film, I Walked with a Zombie, which is pretty cool. This movie was done by the Tales from the Crypt folks, so you know it’s going to be a pretty good movie. It’s going to have some real scares, it’s going to have decent actors, going to have some fun jokes and thrills. And it did not disappoint. This movie also has Tim Curry, which is always a win. However, there is a lot of slow-mo. Like, what? Anyway, lady loses her doctor’s license, goes to Jamaica, gets a voodoo curse put on her, then goes through the whole deal of trying to survive. Lots of weird cultural appropriation. Fun watch for a rainy day when you’re looking at your computer and want to pay like 62% attention to a movie.
:: Tank 432 :: 2015 :: Nick Gillespie ::
You know that stereotype of the stageplay, in which the stage is all in darkness, and someone steps forward into a spotlight, and says something like, “I am a soldier. It is my duty to kill. I will kill all who I am told to. Even…myself.” And then they step back, and another person steps forward and says, “I am the engineer. It is my duty to repair mechanical equipment. But I cannot repair…emotional equipment.” Now imagine that instead of being on stage, the actors are inside of a tank, and that oh yea, also, some people are cosplaying cthulhu creatures outside, and they can occasionally see them through the tank windows. That’s what this movie is. And I get it, you’re like, “But Joe, that sounds awesome!” And I agree. It sounds awesome. But it’s not. It’s really not. Pass.
P.S. Glad they used that biohazard symbol on the cover art. You know, that symbol has kind of come to represent zombies, so bugger off.
:: They Look Like People :: 2015 :: Perry Blackshear ::
OK, so I really hated the first maybe 6 minutes of this movie, and almost turned it off because of that. It was super pretentious, and arty, and suuuuper understated, which can be good, and can also (as was the case here) be bad and boring and annoying. BUT. They really saved themselves. This has ended up being super interesting and creepy. This dude Wyatt’s kind of losing his marbles a bit and begins to believe he’s involved in some sort of extraterrestrial and/or supernatural attack, and all of this unfolds while he’s sleeping on the floor of a friend’s house. Hilarity ensues! Oh, wait, no, not hilarity - what’s that other thing? - oh yea, creepy aggressive paranoid survivalist preparation. THAT’S what ensues. Things really come to a point when Wyatt decides that his buddy’s girlfriend is one of “them.” Anyway, watch the movie, I think you’ll like it.
:: Thirteen Ghosts :: 2001 :: Steve Beck ::
I like Matthew Lilliard. I liked him a lot in SLC Punk, I fondly remember him as the real-life Scooby Doo, and he seems like a nice guy. I don’t think he’s a WONDERFUL actor, though, and his ridiculousness is really revved up in this movie. So anyway, long story short, Tony Shahloub (Monk!) inherits a mansion made of glass, filled with the ghosts of vengeful serial killers, from his uncle. They get loose, they wreak havoc, his family has to find a way to save themselves. Meh. At least the house is really beautiful, and made almost entirely of glass. But! The movie is just pretty cheesy. Doesn’t hold up terribly well to age. It’s a fun watch, though, if you’re not taking it seriously and (recommended) are doing something else while it’s on.
:: Train to Busan :: 2016 :: Sang-ho Yeon ::
Korean zombie movie! Whoooaaa! This one’s a real pulse-pounder! I loved this movie. It was exciting, it was tense, it killed it in the way the best zombie movies can. The zombies were creating weird ploys like inexplicably hiding inside of things, and the knowledge of what to do by the protagonists seemed well thought out and sensible. The train was an excellent excuse for the setting to be simply executed and not overcomplicate things with CGI and multiple locations. I event felt sad during the sad parts, which is not that common for me with horror movies. Wow, what a winner. And it does a worst-of-humanity story in an EXCELLENT way. If you’ve ready any of my other reviews, you know what a pet peeve that is of mine. My only complaint? It felt a little long. Total recommend.
:: Tucker & Dale vs. Evil :: 2010 :: Eli Craig ::
I passed by this movie dozens of times because I thought it looked stupid. I thought the premise looked stupid, I thought the artwork looked stupid. I thought it would obviously be one of those movies that just plays on mean stereotypes and toilet humor to get by, and then it’d end, and I’d all feel kind of bad that I ever watched it. But it wasn’t! It was funny - like, really funny - and the acting was good. The gags and deaths were all really inventive, the storyline was pretty cool. However, like most joke/parody movies, a little goes a long way. The first hour-ish was great, and the last however-else-long-until-it-ended just draaaaaagged. Anyway, worth a watch, not nearly as stupid as the whole idea sounds. These guys are funny.